Photo by Michael De La Madrid

Photo by Michael De La Madrid

It is 1:44 am, and I am unable to sleep. I’ve been looking at my life, and I began to think of what would happen if I just left.  I theorize about impossible scenarios.  Scenarios of me leaving everything behind and never looking back.  Scenarios of conflicts I would have if I left.  And as i ponder these scenarios, I realize how easy it would be to leave. All I would have to do is pick up my bags and walk out the door, and never talk to anyone I know again.  I have the power in my life to block everyone out and never see them again.  And that power scares me.

To drop all my relationships up until this point - I wonder if I could do it.  In moments like these, I am almost certain I could.  Moments where I feel nothing.  Moments where I’m empty inside.  Moments I feel as if nothing matters.  It’s in these moments I need my friends and family most.  And it is in these moments I could leave them all behind and never talk to them again.  Because I am so empty inside.  And that scares me.  

The impermanence of it all.  People come and go so easily.  

They’re in your life for a fleeting moment and next thing you know, you haven’t seen them in years.  You have no idea where they are or who they are.  They could have been the most important person in your life, and now only remain as a distant memory. Just like that, they’ve left your life.  

In reality, I would never leave the important people in my life.  But the thought that I can easily choose to never see or talk to them again is scary.  It is scary to think that you could just leave everyone behind -   and everyone can leave you behind too. The power you hold over your life is so incredibly strong.  We can change everything about us in a split second and never look back.  Or we can remain the same. And everyone has this power.  Someone could drop you out of their life if they chose to.  Chances are that no one will leave your life just like that by their own choice.  But your important people do have the power to leave you.  And that is scary.

It has made me realize just how damn impermanent everything is.  And how scary this impermanent world is.  There is no certainty.  Just your present day.  

Life is impermanent. It is fleeting. And we must take hold of it and make it our own. Or next thing you know, life has left you.